I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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