If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
