U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
