If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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