i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
