it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
