I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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