I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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