i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
