walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
