Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
