If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Randomize
