please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
