anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
