I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
