Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
