so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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