I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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