my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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