Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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