Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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