So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
