if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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