Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
