were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
