I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
