I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
