we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
