And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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