I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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