im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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