he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
