Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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