I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
