I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
