just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
