there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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