Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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