I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
