my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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