I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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