The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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