Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
