I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
