I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I intend to get homeless drunk
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
