Ketchup is God's man juice
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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