Fuck appropriateness.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
