So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
