Don't make out with my wife yet
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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