I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
