actually, I'm a sock model
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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