Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
