I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
