i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
