I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
