If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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