I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize