you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My life is pants optional.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
