There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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