oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
