Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
