I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
