3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
