Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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